Commentary: Used Balls Sold From Vans Parked Beside The Road

Commentary: Used Balls Sold From Vans Parked Beside The Road
Andrew Penner

Ok, so he wasn’t the most distinguished of salesmen. He wore dog-chewed K-mart sandals, his matted hair was teeming with some kind of bug infestation, and an unbuttoned shirt revealed a droopy pair of hairy man-boobs. And yet, what he offered me that day was totally fair and rather inviting: a dozen used balls for $5 (my choice).

“Why, that’s less than 50 cents each!” I exclaimed with glee. It was perfect. You see folks, it was a trial. A test. I wanted to see if a 50 cent slime-stained ball could hold its own against my regular ball of choice – the Titliest ProVx. Now I know that my Titleist provides great consistency and stability in the air and is really smooth and workable on and around the greens. But how would a scratched up, pooped on, 10-year old Spalding Starflite handle itself under the gun?

Well, drum roll please, here’s the answer. It actually flew just fine off the tee. Unbelieveably, distance seemed very comparable to the Titleist (and it didn’t break in half, which I thought it might do). However, by the seventh hole I was very frustrated with this “thing” on and around the greens. I was left scratching my head after a couple of pitches from nice lies had absolutely no bite – and it putted like a gallstone. My conclusion? The 50 cent “slimeballs” you can buy from the ex-con beside the road aren’t worth two bits. Drop some dough and buy something shiny, new…and round.

Andrew Penner is a 12-year member of the Canadian PGA. He has won five professional golf tournaments in Canada and narrowly, I mean narrowly, missed qualifying for the US Open last year. Well, OK, it was a few shots. Andrew writes for a number of golf magazines in Canada, the US, and Europe. His new book, titled "One Flew Over The Caddyshack," can be ordered at www.falconpress.ca. He can be reached at andpenner@shaw.ca.